Ever since Derek’s passing, there have been countless times where I have questioned the truth in signs. People comfort you by saying that they are always watching over you, but how can we know for sure? When you lose someone so close to you, you find reassurance through those little signs because they allow you to believe that your loved ones never truly leave you. With that, you have to wonder…
Are they real, or do we transform certain circumstances or random happenings to serve our own personal benefit? How do we know?
It’s just so hard to understand. It’s hard to process and it’s hard to have faith in something that can not be seen, only felt.
Every time that I have ever doubted the fact that Derek is looking out for me, I receive a sign. Not just when I doubt his presence as my guardian angel, but when I start to lose faith in life in general. Derek was a man of unbelievable faith, and by being his friend he instilled that faith in my heart forever.
Whenever I am having a hard time, and I have lost faith in the slightest, the song Stand By Me plays. Always. No matter where I am. Whether I’m at work, out at a restaurant, in my car… It will come on. It makes tears well up in my eyes, but also puts a smile on my face and life all of a sudden snaps into perspective for me. It is the sweetest most special reminder to keep that faith.
Sometimes I get irrationally angry, like how could you leave me? How are you not here anymore? What am I supposed to do without you here to understand me? It’s during those times of despair that I am reminded of Derek’s kind soul and his extraordinary faith. Faith in God, faith in the Universe, faith in golden souls and the best in people. Faith in the beauty of the world. He just had this unrelenting faith. Reminders of Derek are presented to me in the moments I need it most, so here I am, just a girl keeping the faith in all things unseen, all things beautiful, and all things that are greater than me.
Isn’t that all any of us can do in this world?
• • •
I was taking pictures with my friend, Leah the other day, and I was just posing in front of a garden. I didn’t think anything of it because there were multiple kinds of flowers, but when I was looking through our pictures, amongst all of the different kinds of flowers around me, only brown eyed Susan’s were surrounding me- Derek’s favorite flowers. They were behind me the whole time, so I couldn’t see them, but there they were. Faith in the unseen-right?
Sh** is going to freakin’ happen to you in this life. It will be unfair at times, it will test you, it will break you down. Bad things can happen to anyone, any day. But you know what? That’s why we have faith. The specifics of what you place that faith in isn’t important to me. What matters is that you believe in better days. That you believe in the idea that pain is temporary, that there are beautiful things, places, and people in this world, and that the world itself is still beautiful in the midst of all of the hate, malice, and chaos. The universe comes in clutch. Whatever you believe in, having faith is being open to those signs and gentle reminders that you are okay, and you’re going to be okay, and there is peace of mind in certain sanctuaries in your life if you allow yourself to be open to them.
I am reminded of Derek when Blink 182 blares over my speakers on the moments I need to hear it most. I am reminded of Derek when I am on a run, questioning how in the world I’m going to take another step and the sun shines down on me and the wind blows extra hard. I am reminded of Derek when I am standing by the ocean and I’m looking at the sun glistening on each wave, taking comfort in the fact that his golden soul is within each one.
There are signs every where you turn. If you have faith, you are a person who absorbs them and lets them be of reassurance to you. Without faith, we are just humans whose pursuit of peace of mind will always be in vain. Isn’t that kind of scary? We all have moments of weakness, of doubt, and fear, but having faith in something more is what pulls us through every single time. Without that motivator, how would we move forward?